i often grapple with the topic of unexplainable human emotions and feelings. all my pieces come back to that concept eventually. i think its because theres no objective truth to them that i struggle to understand how that can be.

i try to preach to myself (and to no avail) that i dont have to be sad to produce something worth reading. I am not currently sad, but i will say the loss of my relationship has allowed me to think more introspectively which, in turn, has fixed my writing block ive been in. So maybe you do have to wallow in sadness a bit. Okay. I've come to terms with all that has happened regarding the relationship and i feel fine about it. I'm normal (for reals) and do not feel scorned or angry. I feel nothing, actually. The absence of feeling unsettled me the first few nights i've lived with it. i cried so many nights that it became a comfort to me. I don't know. I won't dwell on it too much but all i can say is, I can't change the past, what's done is done, and all I can do is move forward.

Sharing pain with others is great. Humans are social creatures. i used to think that i felt emotions too much, but i realized i wasn't even expressing my emotions which is why they felt so big, I was dealing with them alone. When I talked to my bestest friends in the whole world they felt much more manageable. That's the importance of friendship. Going through heartbreak just made me value my friends even more than before, i didn't think that was possible. In a way, I'm glad it happened. If it was meant to be it would've worked out and it didn't. Oh well. It's how life goes. I love my friends so much and their support means the world to me.

when issues arise in relationships, being alone can make it feel like those traumas, insecurities, and anxieties, are cured. Of course theres nothing being triggered if theres nothing to trigger it. It is hard to navigate relationships, especially when your brain is still developing, when you are with another human who also has traumas, insecurities, and anxiety. This goes for friendships too, but they can also be extremely fulfilling and healing. Hurt is necessary for a fulfilled life. A life devoid of love is not one i would want to live. I'm an angry person, I'm emotional. I'm also too anxious to say anything about it. I ruminate on my feelings in my head and keep it there until I can't take it anymore and explode from the stress.

Being alone is comfortable, safe, and natural to me. Remember when I stopped talking to everyone that one summer? I could maintain that no-contact because by the point I thought about missing my friends, I was already so comfortable in being isolated that the thought of reaching out was panic-attack-inducing. When there's no one around, no one can hurt you. You're away from conflict, you're safe. You can heal when you're away from people because there's nobody to trigger negative emotions that spend you spiraling. But what I think is that nobody is good that way, even if they claim it. Unfortantely for the solitude soldiers of the world, having (good) people/friends/family around can help wayyyyyyyyy more.

One way I've learned this through experience is the concept of parallel play. It's when kids play adjacent or next to another kid without interfering with each other. I parallel play all the time. Scrolling on tiktok next to my friend also scrolling on tiktok. Or playing solitaire while someone else watches a video or something. I hate interacting with people! I am an introvert through and through. Being able to find people that i am comfortable in silence with has healed me more than doing those same activities alone. It's like being isolated except fun!

The girl of that summer and me now are completely separate people. I couldn't even fathom not talking to my friends anymore. They're all i have and i'm so grateful for them. Having good people around me who care about and love me is incredibly healing, way more so than whatever i was doing the summer of grade 8. Its both cathartically healing and also tragic to no longer identify with who i used to be. I'm sad about the death of her, and everyone who existed before her, but i really enjoy the version of me i get to live with now. it is a much more fulfilling life to have real connections now and to be able to go outside and feel the sun.

My outlook on life and in relationships specifically, causes me to often have an unbalanced dynamic with me burdening most of the emotional labour. I do it to myself (radiohead reference)

I believe in the good of people and love. That being said, i often burn myself out doing so. But i can't stop. Its what I'm truly passionate about. I think we were all put on the earth to care for one another and accept the flaws that comes with living. I try my hardest to incapsulate my thoughts into comprehensible tidbits for my blog so people understand what i'm saying but nothing is solved through intellectualism. I can sit here and write big fancy words so you people think im smart but why do i do that? i dont know. I'm afraid of looking stupid. I hate being wrong. Human emotions are hard to write about and i think thats what makes them so beautiful.

i used to be one of those people who repeated the mantra if you dont love yourself you cant love others and i vehemently disagree with that now. Loving people unconditionally and wholly has been instrumental in learning to love myself. The love you give other people deserves to be felt even if you dont love yourself. just the same as how people love you despite you flaws. it is not selfish to want to be loved. instead of isolating yourself to work on being a better person try being around people who inspire you to become the person you want to be. Life is not supposed to be spent waiting to be better.